the night before the night before

i am in sydney, and i’m doing ok. surgery is friday. this time, in two days, i will either be out of surgery, or out of this world.

my way of dealing with this is eating things and buying books. i have a comfort stack to sit with me as i languish in hospital. i had a meal at rockpool last night, and a wonderful italian place down the road from where we are staying tonight – Darlinghurst. it is somewhere i’ve never really been to in Sydney before – it’s wonderful, and it’s now one of my new favourite areas. i have complicated feelings about sydney. it is both marvellous, and somehow alienating.

it is hard to really understand that this is happening. the last nine months have all been building towards this operation, which i am lucky to even be able to have. this surgery is a privilege. it will buy me time, and, if i am very, very lucky, it might save my life. my liver is the thorn in my side. it has been that dark space inside of me, filled with cancer, spasming pain, and slowly, slowly filling with bile.

there are three segments which are clear. the other five are not. there is the tumour digging into the heart of my liver. these are all silent, invisible, and largely painless. these were killing me. are? i don’t know. all i know is i want them out. i want them out badly.

on the upside (?) i managed to find a clinical study that does genome mapping to enrol in. i’m really keen on getting gene sequencing done, and this way, i get it done for free. it also means that if they identify any genes that respond to gene targeted therapy, there’s a whole stack of other potential treatment options. gene therapy, from what i’ve read and what i understand, is probably the future of cancer treatment.

i actually mostly just don’t want to think about it. i don’t know what the point of thinking about it is. it will happen, like it or not. i might live, i might die, like it or not. it’s just what i have to do. i hope i don’t die. and i really am not sure what else to say beyond that. i really, really hope i don’t die in surgery.


About elizabeth

various things.
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6 Responses to the night before the night before

  1. Mani says:

    Be well. Hoping and willing the best outcome for you, Elizabeth.

  2. katelowrie says:

    Thinking of you today!

  3. Sarah says:

    Thinking of you.

  4. J says:

    I have been checking in each day. I miss reading your words. Sending healing thoughts your way

  5. Patricia Allen says:

    Thinking of you and sending positive healing vibes your way.

  6. greenspace01 says:

    I’m very glad you survived surgery, even though it wasn’t successful as you had hoped

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