there’s a lot of talk about the importance of mindfulness for cancer treatment. or in general. it’s another one of those things that i get weird and guilty about.
i am often not mindful. i like to watch TV, movies, and recently have started playing video games. i read books (though not enough) and i like escaping. it’s like a little break from cancer-land. i also do things like write extensively about my experience, and mentally work with the ideas of mortality and fear.
as with most Chronic Illness stuff, there is the ‘good’ patient ideal. the good patient meditates and goes for runs and has a carefully curated diet. the good patient is mindful, aware, and peaceful. i am not a good patient. i had an amazingly useful talk with my oncology psychiatrist about all this (nb, i have had many psychiatrists, and she is by far the best – only good thing about chronic cancer is i hopefully get to keep her). and escape is ok. it is ok for me to do this, because sometimes i need a break from all this sometimes. so, it’s another example of me being a bit hard on myself. i don’t need to achieve everything. it’s been hard, not being able to do as much on radiation – i feel like i’ve let myself down. i should have been doing more, achieving more, writing more, crafting more. instead, i spent a lot of time napping on the couch and reading Saga (which is great!) and watching the Harry Potter movies. i also watched all of a series called The Fall, which was fantastic. i watched it all in two days. and it’s ok! being Nice To Me should be my theme of the next five weeks.
yesterday was my graduation day from radiation. after 28 (week)days straight of hospital visits, it is liberating to know i only need to go in for a social worker appointment, an oncology appointment, and a port flush between now and my surgery. five weeks! three visits! i cannot even describe how good that feels. i might need another scan or so before surgery, and probably some bloods done.
but i did finish a piece of writing, and have enjoyed seeing two come out this month (i’m trying to work out a good way of linking to my writing on here… brain deficiencies have prevented me). and another real exciting one coming March. my buddy Josh also made me an amazing “i (anatomical) heart Big Pharma” shirt which i wore to radiation. i’m going to wear it to my next oncologist’s appointment, because he will Love it. so will my clinical nurse. there’s a part of me that also wants a purple shirt with CYTOTOXIC printed on it. maybe CYTOTOXIC BABE. or CYTOTOXIC FOREVA.
i have quite uncomfortable burns from the radiation, but the nurse assured me that they would probably get a lot better in the next week or so. which is comforting. i like sitting, and right now, sitting is more than a little uncomfortable.
i’m really looking forward to regaining some energy and getting back to work on hobbies and craft and seeing people. i have completely lacked the spoons to do anything more sophisticated than lie on the couch and nap/watch tv and to write something a little bit richer than this.