This is about Feelings. so, bit dull. i can also talk about my cancer cough too though – warning for ear nose throat related grossness.
it is hard for me to put up boundaries, to be honest.
i used to do an exercise with my psychotherapist years ago, where i would imagine myself in a house. and the house would be me. the house had a hedged fence with a gate that swung right open, and a wide open door, and the house was filled head to toe with crap i didn’t want. i learned to mentally work with imagining people coming to my door, and giving them back their crap, respectfully, and throwing away the crap that was of my own creation. (look at poo joke lol)
now, it’s not that bad. i feel like the fence is fixed, the door at least closes, and i’m slowly cleaning out the junk to the point where some of the rooms are comfortably cluttered rather than filled with hoarded stuff. (i have a lot of hoarding tendencies i am extremely careful to not give into).
but this leads me to the difficulty i have setting boundaries and saying when someone has crossed them. i really, really struggle to do this, especially in the case of very potent argumentative, or people who intimidate in on one level or another.
so, this isn’t about anyone else, or anyone else’s actions. this is about me, learning how to set boundaries without worrying about making someone angry at me. their emotions are not my responsibility. but i have a deep fear and paranoia that, if someone is angry at me, they’ll go on attack mode. i’m not a complete walk-over, and i do try and outline things clearly. but sometimes i struggle to assert myself. i did with someone i find very difficult to assert myself with, twice during the week – respectfully drawing a firm line, and having them respect it in turn.
how do i make myself feel safe, and make people understand what i need without feeling extremely rude? how do i work out if someone is being malicious, or if they are just genuinely being totally clueless about something hurtful and cruel? do i feed it if i tell them it’s out of line? how honest can i be without worrying about making someone angry? and how do i deal with my emotions when it’s already too late, and the insensitive thing has been said or done? how do i just let it go? i guess i imagine the person who did it, coming to my door, and me giving those words back to them. and letting them walk away.
i need to lock the damn door and put up a sign listing things that are really dumb to do and say. things that i kinda thought people might have intuitively known, but clearly not. i know not everyone has read my ‘how to talk to people with cancer about cancer’ entry. so i can’t expect everyone to be a mind-reader. but i honestly thought most of that was just common sense. clearly not.
people have been so overwhelmingly incredible to me during this whole process. without the support i’ve had, i don’t even know how i’d do it. i don’t know how anyone could do it. when i think about people, i need to think about this, rather than the moments of sharp daggers and misplaced words, and things that hurt or upset or anger me. it is hard. i think it is always hard to do that.
one thing i’ve not mentioned is my infernal barking cough. it’s vile. it’s because one of the chemo drugs makes mucous production go Great Guns. including nose. so it’s not on my chest, but constantly irritating the back of my throat, ending in this infuriating feeble Bark of a cough, that’s a bit embarrassing. it’s like a wheezing old dog. it was much better today at least. the fever is still kicking around. go cytotoxins! kill! kill! i’m cheering for you, little guys, and your new little friends joining you on monday.
also, my hair is shedding as much as the cats, but that equally could be because i’ve been terrible at brushing it. though i have started wearing things that aren’t tracksuit pants places, now i feel a bit more human about the whole thing.