last days of ‘freedom’ before treatment

i went to melbourne for a few days.  tickets were booked and paid for, etc. etc.

i’m not going to write about a lot of the feelings i have on seeing people there, because – even for me – it’s too personal to go into here, and i’d rather talk about it directly with my friends.  but it was really important for me to do. i thought it would make me feel ready for treatment, in some ways. rather, it made me feel a lot more than just that, and frightened that it wouldn’t work. deeply terrified.

i ranted on twitter a lot last night – about how i am not ready to die, how scared i am of it all, and how i just don’t know how to cope with anything. this is ‘normal’. normal is shit.  so i feel pretty drained from that, and my muscle spasms are getting worse, and i just. yeah.  i feel dumb repeating my twitter rant. just drained, and no real words, and a feeling of overwhelmingly not being ready for this after all.





About elizabeth

various things.
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6 Responses to last days of ‘freedom’ before treatment

  1. Nikhilā says:

    Good luck starting treatment Liz. Thinking of you ❤

  2. Kathryn Favelle says:

    I think not being ready to start treatment is normal too. Thinking of you.

  3. Alison says:

    One of the things I’ve really hated when bad shit happens (insert compulsive disclaimer about how my bad shit is not as bad as your bad shit) is that people called me brave. People use “brave” when bad shit happens. Even though when bad shit happens, it’s not exactly a choice. I mean, you get up in the morning and somehow the bad shit is still there. You can make breakfast or you can go skydiving or you can hide under the covers and never see anyone again, and any way, bad shit still there. If you can make a choice that said “Bad shit go away”, you would. Everyone would. You don’t have to be brave to get through this.

    Let me know if you ever need a lift anywhere. I can drop stuff and come get you. Sometimes that makes it easier to get where you are going.

    • veritas says:

      thank you so much for that. it’s NOT about bravery. it’s just… well, yeah. what choice do i have. i’m not brave. i’m just less scared of cancer treatment than i am of dying. and there’s people i want to see for more time. so i can’t go yet. i’m scrambling hopelessly to keep a hold of being alive. not brave. just. doing. (i did stay in bed until midday today though).

      and never say your bad shit is not as my bad shit. chronic depression from 2011 that i had was so much worse than what i am going through now. i will reassess after surgery and chemo, but right now, wanting to live feels good. wanting to die was worse. a lot of people with chronic pain, chronic conditions – you are walking the same sort of path i will be once the hacking and zapping happens.

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