i went to melbourne for a few days. tickets were booked and paid for, etc. etc.
i’m not going to write about a lot of the feelings i have on seeing people there, because – even for me – it’s too personal to go into here, and i’d rather talk about it directly with my friends. but it was really important for me to do. i thought it would make me feel ready for treatment, in some ways. rather, it made me feel a lot more than just that, and frightened that it wouldn’t work. deeply terrified.
i ranted on twitter a lot last night – about how i am not ready to die, how scared i am of it all, and how i just don’t know how to cope with anything. this is ‘normal’. normal is shit. so i feel pretty drained from that, and my muscle spasms are getting worse, and i just. yeah. i feel dumb repeating my twitter rant. just drained, and no real words, and a feeling of overwhelmingly not being ready for this after all.