i still feel a bit hazy from it. MRIs are my least favourites, mostly because they take ages, and make me feel really really OFF after. dizzy and confused and disoriented with screeching weird headaches. this one was an hour of clunking and beeping and honking – none of which bothers me that much. they also gave me BUSCOPAN in my arm. i am really glad that i have zero issues with intravenous injections, given exactly how many of them i’m going to be getting for the next however-long. i had NO contrast though, and NO fast!!! which was great. my parameters for great have shifted … greatly.
the MRI referral this time was not gentle like the previous ones ‘liver lesions’ ‘suspected FHNs’ but just said ‘rectal cancer’. the radiographer gave me the ‘professional’ face which i love. the ‘i actually feel for you, and i see this every day, and it is always something i feel compassion for, but i don’t feel upset’. it is the world’s most comforting face. she asked me when i was diagnosed, and when i was starting treatment. it was soothing to repeat it, to make it real, to someone who hasn’t heard it before.
tomorrow is Portacath day! i am mildly excited because i will be a BORG, it will be mildly uncomfortable but far, far less uncomfortable than iv drips into the back of my hands for months and months. it is going to be my best friend. seriously, i am pretty much not bothered by it at all – i’m going to be asleep for the whole shoving-it-in-me business, which is better than being awake for the syringing-tissue-out-of-my-liver-tumours business. i am however worried about fasting. not eating regularly makes me feel sick. and vomit. a lot. and i won’t have any food in my stomach so i won’t have anything in there to vomit and it will generally be terrible. fasting is the worst part of it all.
canberra has been hit by WINTER. often winter is a slow crawl here, but it’s just kinda kicked me in the face. well, more specifically, the ribs. my shoulders and ribcage are what get tense when i am tense – and on top of that, my ribcage hates me as it is. baths, hot packs, the warmy blanket (electric blanket for adults) all help somewhat. not as much as the valium which is the only thing that actually releases the tension enough for me to sleep. i am irritated that there is no easily available non-addictive solution to valium as an effective muscle relaxant. i also take seroquel PM now, to attempt to get a full nights sleep. this makes me groggy and hungover, but well, what can you do? i want a gentle, non-addictive sedative that’s not an anti-psychotic. easier said than done in australia.
i am seeing the oncology psychiatrist next week to try and see how we’ll manage the bipolar in relation to the chemotherapy. i am hoping for little/no effects. we’ll see, right? no one really knows with bipolar 1 (ultra rapid cycling with psychotic traits). who the hell knows. i have it under control right now, but every dark day, i feel it creeping in. last night, i was overwhelmed by thoughts of death. of why i was even bothering, of why i was putting my friends through this – now, and for a long period of time – butting into their lives with me and my stupid cancer while they should be doing things of joy. i didn’t see the point of treatment. or living.
but i got a message from a friend today that helped me – in typed words, from over the sea, that just said it doesn’t matter about the years of treatment, or how much we need to rely on the kindness of our friends – people want me to stay. and i need to repeat this to myself whenever i feel that lost and alone and like it’s not worth bothering. it is. it is. i don’t want to go yet.