irritated, and scared of PET scan, and probably picking fights

i have a really bad habit that i have tried to reform for years.

my name is elizabeth, and i like starting fights on the internet.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not a troll. but people say dumb stuff. people say Dumb Stuff a lot.  or just stuff i disagree with and makes me angry and i want to get angry because they are WRONG or at least i think they are wrong. i’m rarely actually furious, or really mad, but it’s a good place to vent my irritation. i keep up online dating profiles for a similar reason – to abuse people when they send offensive messages to me. it’s soothing.

however, because i feel upset and angry and anxious today – because i am in the middle of the ‘post doc anxiety’ ‘post doc acceptance’ ‘pre doc anxiety’ – all three at once, it’s manifested in an intense need to get angry at people on the internet. there was a post that sort of triggered it on facebook, but this is a broader, much larger thing that i’ve seen a lot of times, and always pisses me off.

today was about my feelings about prayer.  people sometimes ask if it’s ok if they pray for me. they know i am not a believer. they know, some of them anyhow, that i used to be, and have ‘lost my path’ with God. and they kindly, compassionately offer me something from their hearts to help me.  and what helps me is that offer – that gentle kind offer of thinking of me, and caring for me, and giving their time, and their thoughts to me in a time they often reserve for something special.

does it matter if it heals me? does it matter if it ‘works’ -whatever that means? if working means that i smile, and feel loved and cared for, that seems like working to me. what matters to me is that people care, and think of me, and take that time to tell me.  how beautiful is that? it’s a real, genuine kindness, and to slap people with that, as though prayer means nothing because a peer reviewed study doesn’t show it works to heal you is vile.  i don’t want people to pray for me for healing. i am just grateful for their wishes. just as some people say ‘you are in my thoughts’.  there is a particular arrogance to mocking this that i hate.  i am the person being cared for. they want to wish me well.  they care.  i don’t like seeing this be mocked.  i don’t think people’s care and love is something worthy of being laughed at. it makes me angry that this thing that brings me happiness and comfort is viewed as funny or stupid. (NB. i will not engage in an argument about this on here – i will just delete any comments defending why it’s ok to laugh at people who find comfort in prayer. sorry. this is my ‘i fucking have cancer’ blog, not a blog to discuss atheism. you can go do that on a reddit board).

i had a lovely dinner tonight, and managed to not throw up. not even once! i drank powerade and had a dear friend over for dinner.  i spoke to my mental health nurse and felt good about our conversation, and her observations.  for context – the ACT has an amazing service where people with debilitating mental illness can have the service of a specialised mental health nurse, fully funded.  i have seen her once a day at some times, and once a month at other times.  she is a fantastic help, and a stabilising consistent force in my recovery from the worst of my bipolar.  and now, she’s someone i can use as an external barometer to make sure my mood remains as stable as it can through this. the nature of this is mood swings – instability – elation, and misery – all completely normal. i have permission to have an anxiety attack, and permission to stay in bed all day. this is liberating.  but my nurse can  make sure, over time, that i am still responding rationally.

the problem with bipolar, if it runs out of control during this period are three main risks: depression may cause me to suicide or refuse treatment.  mania may cause me to think that eating dirt and drinking smoothies will cure me or rain dancing or whatever weird thing my brain takes up. and psychosis – if i am unlucky enough to have an episode – means i cannot have surgery, as i would be unable to give meaningful consent.  it is vitally important that i remain even of mood, and to not worry that each bad day is a return to my illness. there are bad days. there are feelings. there are FEELINGS.  i need to be careful, but not fretful.

i am scared of my PET scan. this time tomorrow it will be over and i will have a chemo plan.  this is good. and bad. and everything else.

 

 

 

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About elizabeth

various things.
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10 Responses to irritated, and scared of PET scan, and probably picking fights

  1. Meeya says:

    Xoxox … And of course, I am praying for you 😉

  2. jaminism says:

    I do miss being able to tell people I am praying for them. Usually I wouldn’t mention it. Aside from the niceness a person may feel, I’ve found when you actually do pray about somebody (rather than just saying you will) you actually do elevate them in your mind and develop a greater care for them. I’m not praying for you but I am thinking of you and wishing you well. I will also reserve a toast for you in my next drinking session which does border on religious.

  3. Sues says:

    me too! xx

  4. Cordelia says:

    Honestly, there is something to prayer being felt cared for is one. When I was struggling through infertility, I read a study that showed prayer increased success rates of IVF, and the people being prayed for were unaware of the praying. There is also something in meditation too so if you feel the need to meditate, drink green smoothies and solicit prayers, go for it. It may not cure you but it may help whatever treatment you are receiving work a little harder.

    I’ve been thinking of you every day.

  5. bagatell says:

    You are on my mind so so so much. I have not known what to say, thank you for permission to just say THAT. ❤

  6. I am glad that you have a friend in your nurse. Go ahead, do that PET scan, come back here and write. There are people reading this, hanging on to every thing that is happening to you and caring about you as much as you do.

  7. greenspace01 says:

    I say “bah!” to people who are rude enough to scoff at someone praying for someone else. they can mind their own beeswax and be gracious enough to recognise the loving intention in the offer and the prayers.

    and, based on my knowledge of you and what I think might be our overlap in values, I say go for it, if you enjoy arguing with people online. there are many many people persisting in being wrong, stupid, and wilfully ignorant – if you benefit from telling them what’s right, it’s a win all round 🙂

    I am so glad you have access to a mental health nurse – that sounds terrific.

    faark! PET scan scary. chemo plan scary. I hope you get to the post-doctor acceptance soon after those.

    blessings and cat hugs from my household to you.

  8. Oh my sweet girl, thank you so much for this post. I was afraid to say I’m praying for you, which for me is less “god in the sky” and more “benevolent universe”, but still putting you in my heart and asking the angels to help you. Every time I think of you, with love and compassion, that is my prayer for you.

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