i have no idea why, but powerade is my new favourite thing. seriously? i could just drink it all day. as a special treat to myself, i got my mum to purchase me some blue powerade to celebrate not needing to worry about staining anything anymore. BLUE powerade – exotic, delicious, blue flavoured.
you’ll all be glad to know that the Face Cancer i was convinced i had last night seems to have gone away. dunno what it was. probably not face cancer. today, i’m convinced that in fact, the primary is in my ovaries, and i am in fact about to die. this is not likely, and just me being a Big Silly about it all. it’s understandable to have these doubts, and i acknowledge and own that i’m not being an idiot. still, a bit lame feeling.
yesterday’s celebration mode left me feeling completely rotten today. protip: the anaesthetic they give you for colonoscopies? it hits really hard the next day and is exhausting. i forgot this from the endoscopy.
today, i’m thinking about identity in the face of cancer. how do i keep to a path that allows me to keep an idea of myself that is more than just the fact that i have cancer? how do i disclose this to people or Not disclose it? it is so big in my life, it feels like a large balloon swelling out and filling all the space, more and more and more, and i want space for me and alex to just be. a small safe place where for at least an hour or so a day, i am more than just Cancer Girl.
there are so many questions that come up that i feel so desperate to ask – when there is no one to answer them. things like terrifying poos, or strange pains, or so many other things, which are sudden and consume me; even if they Can wait, i struggle to know how they can. my GP will be amazing, and answer what she can at any random hour – and i am luckier than post people for having that as an option. new GP’s – late night ones, for example, are no use at all – the medical condition is too complicated, and they can’t provide answers. doctor help lines, no good. and it’s not like my goddamn GI specialist can drop everything because i’m scared of pooping. (yup. due to the horrible state of it, i’m still scared of pooping). so this adds to the balloon.
i have a huge bruise on the back of my hand. back of hand cannulas are my least favourite because they both sting more and leave crazy bruises.