Mostly Nice Stuff: some BAD poo talk soz.
i had a wonderful saturday and sunday in Katoomba – we went to see Kristin Hersh at a small theatre and our seats were directly in front of the stage.
Kristin Hersh’s books and music are really important to me. Lachlan introduced me to her, years ago, and it didn’t take at first. but then, i fell in love with ‘Winter’, off Learn to Sing like a Star. then, i discovered the rest of the album, after seeing a quote in a teen novel i was studying for my thesis – ‘Girl Walking Backwards’ – which to this day remains one of my all-time favourite female queer relationship books. her music went with me through a lot of things – through the mania of my early/mid twenties, to the middle of a winter in canberra where i felt completely alone, and wandering around the streets of Tucson, totally lost, and alone, and confused, and there for all the wrong, and of course, right, reasons. i read ‘Rat Girl’ in a hotel room, in incredible heat. i refused to put on the air conditioning for a whole day, wanting to feel it, authentically. i then realised this was idiotic. i turned on the air conditioning. i walked down the street from my hotel (Elvis apparently stayed there!?) and listened to Learn to Sing like a Star – the opening song resonating with each footstep, making me stronger and braver in the heat.
seeing her live was amazing. her voice roars like a lion and she moves as though the music rises out of her. she is tiny – about my size – and i always thought she was tall, as tall as her voice. i met her at the end and she signed a copy of the new Throwing Muses album, which is a book – and i told her we’d had twitter conversations. she said to keep talking to her. it made me happy.
then, we went to Jenolan caves on Sunday. i like caves. they scare me, and very few things do. we did a cave walk: i kept freaking out that i was exhausted because CANCER, but it’s more likely that i was just tired, and it was a pretty intensive walk. but it was beautiful.
i had started my prep for the colonoscopy on sunday. white food only. this does, obviously, include potato chips. i ate a lot of potato chips. and then, later in the evening, everything unravelled. it became suddenly overwhelming, and too much, and i am afraid to die, and i am afraid of everything that is about to happen. i am terrified. people talk about me BEING BRAVE. and i don’t know what bravery is. is it a late night anxiety attack that only sedatives can deaden? (thank god for Valium)? is it waking up in tears? is it shaking each time i have another revolting thing happen today? it’s the second day of prep – liquids only, and a stack of gross ‘prep’ fluid, to trigger every single thing to depart your bowel. the results are not pretty, and my results are really, really, really not pretty and are indicating something very, very wrong. my doctor has said to go to the ER if i become dizzy, lightheaded, anything like that. i am shaking from it – from fear, and the unknown, and the fact that this probably confirms bowel cancer, and that this is scary. is my whole bowel ‘infected’? do i need it ALL taken out? will i have the colonoscopy and end up rushed off for surgery without even an idea of what is happening? i have no idea how this works, and there’s no one to ask, because no one actually knows yet. this is bitterly difficult. and i am not being brave. i don’t want to finish the prep. i don’t want to do anything. all i want, right now, is to not fucking have cancer.